I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You Might Also Like
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Somebody call the cops.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3