I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱