I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
You Might Also Like
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”