I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.