I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last