I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?