I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms