I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron


Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.


i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website


my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh


I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on


In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”


I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.


ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*


The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.