I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
BaD BoY!!
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
What about second breakfast?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.