I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession