I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Oh hi lol
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.