I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
IT’S-A ME,
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes