I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.