I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
You Might Also Like
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!