I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone