I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
You Might Also Like
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.