I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT