I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
There’s always that one guy