I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
yeet
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.