I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control


ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?


I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.


GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*


Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles


Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?


Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations



Batman: *throws smoke bomb*


Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”


I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.