I have so many questions.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I want what they have
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Friends that check up on you >
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.