“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Its true…
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.