I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Growing out my freckles.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn