I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.