I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Cake safety first. Always.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.