I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder