I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
You Might Also Like
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
watergate? u mean a dam??
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much