I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Merry Christmas
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.