I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Why am I like this?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me