I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
this could fix me
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?