I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.