I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.