I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.