I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Breaking news:
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!