@schumoo

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@WilliamAder

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

@flashember

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

@IAmYardDad

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

@Ygrene

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@pleatedjeans

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost