I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
You Might Also Like
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.