I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.