I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
i hate you platonically