@oldmanweldon

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

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@mostlysharks

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@WaltzingRhino

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

@tiffistrying

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@jakelikesnaps

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

@TheBoydP

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*