I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015