@brookebergstadt

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

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@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

@JasonLastname

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

@ArfMeasures

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

@WilliamAder

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

@pilau

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.