I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
This makes total sense…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen