I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”