I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Girl, same.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension