I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You Might Also Like
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”