I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.