“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Breaking news:
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.