I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.