“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Love is always patient and kind.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.