I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”