I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I didn’t realize that was an option
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.