I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
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People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Get in loser we’re going crying
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“I’m helping” 😅