I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away